American Association for Physician Leadership

Operations and Policy

When a Coworker You Don’t Like Becomes Your Boss

Kelli Thompson

October 7, 2024


Summary:

When a colleague you dislike or who dislikes you becomes your new leader, it’s natural to feel anxiety or despair, worry about the fallout, and think about leaving. But five strategies can help you transform this challenging situation into career growth.





When Anika, the chief marketing officer of a staffing organization, learned that her boss had unexpectedly resigned and her coworker, Charles, had been promoted from chief operating officer to CEO, she was dismayed. She and Charles had a long history of disagreeing on key issues at work, so she worried that she’d endure tense relations, micromanagement, or, worse, demotion or dismissal.

“Charles and I have worked together for 13 years and never seen eye-to-eye,” she told me in a coaching session. “Now is his chance to get rid of me.” She even considered preemptively looking for other jobs.

Anika’s reaction was understandable. When a colleague you dislike or who dislikes you becomes your new leader, it’s natural to feel anxiety or despair, worry about the fallout, and think about leaving. After all, research shows that having a good relationship and reputation with your manager is critical to job satisfaction and engagement. Gallup Workplace Reports has repeatedly found that one of the most common reasons quit is because they don’t like their manager.

But it’s important not to throw up your hands too quickly, especially if you genuinely enjoy your organization and your job. Instead, you need to use the transition as a catalyst for resetting the troubled relationship and figure out a better way to work together. Here’s how:

Distinguish feelings from facts.

When Anika heard the news about Charles’ appointment, her emotions took over, leading her to worries that weren’t grounded in reality.

To break her out of this pattern, I encouraged her to list her feelings or perceptions on one side of a piece of paper and the actual facts on the other. For example, “Charles doesn’t trust me” versus “Charles said that my presentation could include more campaign results and ROI data.” This exercise helped Anika realize that she had no actual data indicating that Charles actively disliked her or wanted to sabotage her career, just that he wasn’t afraid to challenge her or offer suggestions for improvement.

Anika learned to practice emotional generosity and open-mindedness with Charles. While he was not her ideal boss, he also was not the antagonist she had created in her head.

Shift from ambivalence to active inquiry.

When you don’t get along with a coworker, you might be able to create workarounds so you’re only interacting on an as-needed basis. But that’s not possible when the person is your boss. I helped Anika realize that she would need to shift from ambivalence to active inquiry to better understand what made Charles tick.

This process starts with creating a “core concern map” that includes information on your manager’s key goals, priorities, and values. This information can help you figure out how to best influence them and showcase gaps where you can provide value that improves your relationship.

Acknowledge and bridge key personality differences.

Interpersonal conflict often stems from differences in work speed, communication style, decision-making processes, or levels of extroversion and introversion.

When I pressed Anika on this, she acknowledged that she was more of a big picture, conceptual thinker and liked to share broad ideas, while Charles loved getting into the weeds and would often ask her for specific process details, results, and reports in meetings.

The next step is to create a plan to bridge those differences. Don’t assume your new boss will change. Now that the power dynamic has shifted, the onus is on you to adapt your behavior to them. Ask yourself: What new behaviors will be required from me in interactions with this person? What’s one thing I could do differently to generate the most positive impact?

Anika adjusted her approach to meetings and interactions with Charles. Instead of creative marketing ideas, she focused focus on lead campaign data and results.

Leverage shared values and desired outcomes.

To heal a difficult relationship, the mindset must move from “me versus you” to “you and me working towards the shared success of the organization.” A list of shared attributes, values, and goals — both professional and personal — can help.

When I prompted Anika to do this, she noted that she and Charles both valued integrity, quality, and transparency and wanted to see positive customer feedback and financial results. Outside work, they had kids the same age involved in similar activities.

Prompted by this thinking, Anika developed a new reporting tool to transform the way her sales and marketing team tracks and verifies leads and plans campaigns, much to Charles’s delight. She also found a way to connect with him personally with chats about their families’ respective weekend and vacation plans.

Address the elephant in the room.

If after trying these strategies the relationship still hasn’t improved, it may be time to address the issue head on. You can opt for two approaches depending on the nature of the relationship.

If you believe your colleague-turned-manager is open-minded and self-aware, find a time for honest and vulnerable conversation. Start by taking ownership and accountability for specific situations in which you’ve clashed, and then with genuine sincerity and curiosity, explain that you’re committed to helping the team succeed and ask how you can support that effort.

If you suspect that your boss won’t be receptive to feedback, might react negatively, or isn’t even aware of the problem, try a less direct approach. You might ask what they believe will be the keys to successful collaboration, what they value in reporting relationships, and what specific actions you should (and shouldn’t) take to help them achieve results.

Taken together, these five strategies might just help you transform a challenging situation into career growth.

Copyright 2024 Harvard Business School Publishing Corporation. Distributed by The New York Times Syndicate.

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Kelli Thompson
Kelli Thompson

Kelli Thompson is a women’s leadership coach and speaker. She is the author of Closing The Confidence Gap: Boost Your Peace, Your Potential & Your Paycheck.

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